My friend scratched my passenger car door with his backpack. I was super pissed and he just laughed and said he was sorry. Later that evening, I get a phone call hearing he was rear-ended by a Dodge (ironic) Mega Cab 3500 pickup truck. He drives a tiny Mazada Miata. So I’m happy.

I recently caught my girlfriend cheating on me with another guy. I was devasted because we had been going out for almost 4 years now. Later that day, her hot best friend Kari called me to see how I was doing. It turned out she had been wanting me for all these years. I have a new girlfriend Kari now. So I’m happy.

Last Wednesday, my teacher passed out our research papers and I got a D- . I spent weeks on that thing. With little hope for the rest of the day I was ready to leave the class because of this boring bitch, who called herself a professor. I finally made up my mind to stay from fear she would mark more points of my already ridiculously low grade, when my teacher’s stool broke and she fell flat on her back. She ended up breaking her tailbone and won’t be coming to any more classes for the rest of the semester. So I’m happy.

Last week, I asked my boss for a raise. He replied, “Times are tough and money is scarce, sorry son but some of us might not be here much longer”(obviously referring to me). The next morning I was fired from my job. A week later I saw my boss at Starbuck’s and overheard him talking about how he was laid off because of some “house cleaning”. He’s been the manager for 35 years. So I’m happy.

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